Family vs. Interracial Dating

“Why do you like blacks?” a relative asked me.

I was in elementary school at the time. I didn’t realize that the students that I had crushes on were from a different race than I mine. The question didn’t bother me, though. The fact was I just liked whomever I liked, and that was that.

I started dating shortly after middle school. My first boyfriend was black; he was smart and a stellar athlete. We even took advanced and gifted classes together. Now, I’m not sure if the tone was joking or not, but after learning that I was dating him, the same relative asked me a question that changed my perception of race and interracial dating.

“You’re going to marry a Filipino or white guy, right?”

I was confused. Was my relationship a disgrace? Was it not good enough? Why was I being shamed for something that was making me happy? I questioned my feelings and emotions toward this guy, and others thereafter. Subconsciously, I only allowed myself to be interested in boys who were Filipino or white. Whenever I had feelings for a black classmate of mine, and things didn’t work out, I blamed it on the fact that our races didn’t mix. I had conditioned myself into believing that people from our two races weren’t supposed to be together.

Cultural expectations

In the Fil-Am community, there seems to be a common understanding that Pilipinos are not to marry outside of their race (or ethnicity for that matter), unless of course, it’s to a white partner. Was this the reality of a Fil-Am household in so-called “post-racist” America? I was positive that one could love someone, regardless of his or her race, gender, sexual orientation and faith. So how could my own family, who had raised me to be an open and accepting individual, have an exception when it came to dating someone who was black?

While racism and hate crimes affect Fil-Ams and Pilipinos in the US, I wonder if we are even aware of the racist stereotypes that our own culture has adopted. With an issue such as interracial dating, we are able to see just how family expectations continue to create generational gaps within the Fil-Am community.

For example, the act of marrying within one’s own race or ethnicity is simply part of the norm. To our elders, it may ensure that we’re preserving our family traditions, ideals and faith.

In addition, dating or marrying a white person is also culturally acceptable. This stems from the Philippines’ history of colonization. Throughout Asia, if a young lady finds a partner from a Western country, she may instantly be considered successful and wealthy. Furthermore, Asian cultures yearn to have light skin, as some people resort to using whitening creams and bleaches. Sadly, the Filipino culture, isn’t any different.

Race relations in America

But what about the fact that we are in America? Anti-miscegenation laws were recognized as unconstitutional in 1967 with the Supreme Court’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia. Our country then saw a rise in interracial marriages. According to the 2010 Census, the number of interracial marriages continues to grow, thus making our nation increasingly multiracial.

Today, however, interracial relationships are still seen as taboo. Recently, Cheerios released a commercial that showcased an interracial couple and their biracial daughter. Unfortunately, Cheerios received some negative attacks. Inspired by the commercial, Michael Murphy and Alyson West, a couple from Atlanta, released a crowd-sourced blog, which celebrates interracial American families.

Our relatives have moved from the Philippines to the US, and the same types of traditional values and expectations historically embedded in our culture continue to exist within some Fil-Am families. While younger generations of Fil-Ams may be accepting of interracial dating and relationships, some older generations are not. It is up to us to help our families understand that we are truly part of diverse country, comprised of individuals who accept others. America is in fact a melting pot. We shouldn’t be afraid to continue mixing that pot and embrace love for what it is.

Photo credit: Loving Day

Seven Things You Should Know About Pilipino Languages

Let's talk about talk. We all know the importance Tagalog plays in Pilipino identity here in the States. You're viewed as "more Pinoy" if you can at least understand the main dialect of the Metro Manila region. Tagalog is the lingua franca (the default universal language) of the global Pilipino diaspora. It unites, empowers, and strengthens the Pilipino.

But you'd be amiss if you didn't give a nod to the dozens of other languages/dialects that the Pilipino speaks. In a land of 7,107 islands, with a history of influences from dozens of kingdoms, dynasties, tribes and regimes over centuries and centuries, the Philippines boasts one of the most linguistically diverse populations in the more developed countries of the world.

I can write novels about this, but here's the run-down on the skills of the Pinoy tongue (wink!):

• There are eight recognized regional language of the Philippines: Bikol, Cebuano, Hiligaynon (or Ilonggo), Ilokano, Pampango, Pangsinense, Tagalog and Waray. Of the 170 languages spoken on the islands, these have the highest number of native and secondary speakers.
• The official language of the Philippines is not Tagalog per se, but Filipino: It's the language used in news and official communications by the Philippine government. Filipino has had a bumpy ride toward universal acceptance since it inception in 1959 as "Pilipino", particularly by non-Tagalog speakers, since – let's be honest – it's basically Tagalog. But language evolves, and the government hopes that Filipino evolves over time, adapting more and more aspects of the other dialects.
• The Philippine languages are Austronesian, which means they're more related to Malaysian, Indonesian, and even Hawaiian than they are to Chinese, Vietnamese, etc.
• There are Philippine creole languages! Which is awesome. Look up Chavacano. Much like how Haitians speak a French Creole and Jamaicans have Patois, a creole of English, Chavacano is a a dialect of Spanish that arose in the southern Philippines that sounds super fun. (I showed some Latino friends videos of people speaking Chavacano and they were amazed.)
• The Philippines has its own variant of Chinese called Lan-nang, which has its origins in the islands' trading history with China. If you're a Chinese Pinoy, your family probably speaks it. They might also call it Hokkien or Fukkien.
• Philippine English is its own variety of English, exactly like Australian English or British English. Lots of Pinoys get heat in the US for speaking English with a Pilipino accent, when it's much more than that. It's the national language of the Philippines, for Hesukristo's sake! School is taught in English. English movies are not dubbed. English is the language of the law.
• Taglish – mixing Tagalog and English, and switching back and forth between the dialects – is a legitimate and recognized thing, and you shouldn't be ashamed of it (no more "Marunong ko po lang mag-Taglis!"). Pinoys are masters of linguistic fluidity, and you're just as Pinoy speaking in hybrid as you are speaking in pure.

If you're one of the millions of Pinoys here in the US or elsewhere in the world that doesn't just use Tagalog and English, but maybe one or more other dialects at home, it's something to be proud of. These dialects have as rich a history as any other, and should be nurtured and supported. My home is a jumbledunk of Tagalog, English and Ilokano, and whenever I hear strangers speaking Ilokano on the street, I'm reflexively even more informal and familiar with them. Almost as if there was an even deeper level of closeness than the already-close bond of general Pinoy-ness.

Ya feel me? Good. Now you're speaking my language.

Just Travel: 7 Reasons to Journey Abroad

I’ve heard the whispers of some relatives of mine. Concerned Lolos and Lolas can't comprehend why I moved to Thailand to teach English for a year immediately after I graduated from college.

 “I don’t understand why Ryann is doing that. Why does her mom let her go [travel] alone?” a relative relayed to one of my aunties.

To older generations, I may be acting irresponsibly by gallivanting around Asia for a year. I really don’t have any other defense to offer, other than I’m doing something that allows me to help others, and further define myself as a person. The assumption that my time away from the US is a “gap year” is also a tad offensive to me. I’m not taking a year off from studying or working, because I am actually working in a secluded village as a full-time volunteer under unfamiliar and challenging circumstances. I am abroad right now because I wanted to take a risk, venture into the unknown (at least for me) and find a greater sense of independence. I would say that I’ve done all three of these things, and have grown stronger and more self-aware. This time away from home is merely another chapter in my book. It has been a fulfilling and enriching experience that I needed to have.

I’ve never heard a single soul complain that they wished they traveled less. The fact is, the older you get, the harder it becomes to travel. You’re confined to your routine. You have significant others, children, bills, chores, responsibilities and commitments. All of these things are hard to simply leave behind, so why not travel while you’re still young, healthy and open to the world?

Here are the things I’ve gained from traveling abroad. Granted, I have been working while overseas, but I take advantage of my time during the weekends and school breaks to journey to new places. I truly believe these are reasons for everyone to seek out opportunities to travel. Also, I’ve included some postcards from my trip to Indonesia this summer to accompany each reason.

1. Love for new food and flavors – Perhaps one of the biggest advantages to traveling for us Pilipinos is the food! When you’re abroad, you get to broaden your palette and introduce your taste buds to exotic (by our standards) dishes, delicacies and desserts. This alone is enough of a reason to travel, though I can think of a handful more…

2. Knowledge – Just because you’ve finished with school, doesn’t mean the learning stops there. The good thing about traveling while you’re young is that you can learn without critical judgment, but with an open heart. You should learn about other cultures, lifestyles and beliefs, and expand your understanding of the world. Continue to nourish your mind. Feed it the knowledge and compassion it deserves.

3. Appreciation – This is the time in our lives for us to really understand what matters most. When you travel, you learn more about gratitude and love, simply by seeing how the rest of the world lives. You’ll learn about the realities and environment that people face in various pockets of the world. You’ll play a witness (and sometimes an engaged citizen) to other’s struggles and accomplishments, and not just read about it in the news (not that the news depicts the whole story anyway).

 4. Friendship – It’s time to break out of your comfort zone. If you venture to a new country, it’s also helpful to try and learn the language there as well. You’ll be a big hit with the locals, as they will appreciate that you’ve taken the time to learn how to communicate with them. Even if you already have an array of friends from school and work, you'll have the opportunity to network and socialize with new friends you make along the way. When you travel, you will connect with people from all walks of life, and you can certainly have them as contacts for future endeavors.

5. Confidence – Traveling is challenging, but it’s easier than you think! Sure, it can be exhausting when you have to catch a 12-hour bus from a remote village to a major city, or if you have an overnight layover in one of the busiest airport hubs in the region. But you will learn that the world is much smaller and more accessible than you realize. There is an amazing rush that comes with traveling; you’ll get lost, hit roadblocks along the way, and your plans will change or fall through. But facing your fears head on means you’re living life.

6. New perspective – When you travel, your ideas and perceptions of life will shift, as they should! You'll realize the importance of slowing down and finding the beauty in everything around you. I’ve known too many people who have reevaluated their time in graduate school or in their first couple of jobs after college. Some tell me that they are miserable at their jobs, or feel they are perpetually stressed out and overworked. Many recognize that they are unhappy and have lost their sense of purpose, or have become just another number in the system. I fear it’s an American mentality to work so hard for money, but is that all that matters? What about happiness? It’s important to get a change of scenery and move at a different pace. When you’re stuck in a routine, life can seem bland and repetitive. Invest in your happiness and quiet your mind from all of the clutter and chaos!

7. Personal growth – During your travels, you will grow. You’ll test your limits, but also learn to go with the natural flow of life. Old habits will disintegrate as you realize how to live more purposefully. In addition, you can use this time for self-discovery and healing. Traveling is more than just vacationing, and casting away all of your worries. It can be a way for you learn more about yourself, as well as heal any emotional and mental wounds. You will identify your values more clearly, and upon returning home, be more at peace with yourself.

Photo credits: A Journey of Postcards, Philaquely Moi, JP Stamp Collecting, Stamps Book, 9teen87

Behind Closed Doors: A Letter to Gabrielle Molina

On May 22nd, Gabrielle Molina, a 12-year-old Fil-Am from Queens, NY, took her life. She left behind an apologetic note to her family, which explained that she endured relentless bullying, both at school and on the internet.

Gabby's story is not an anomaly. Across the country, and the globe, bullying has become quite commonplace. According to the National Crime Prevention Council, 43% of all teens in America are victims of bullying. This includes cyberbullying, which is done over the internet and through other digital means.

The accessibility and anonymity associated with the internet allows hurtful messages to be sent and seen instantaneously. Thus, the internet incubates open battlegrounds for bickering, name-calling, and downright nasty arguments. These attacks appear on social media sites, comment sections and forums.  Today, kids and teens have technology at their disposal, and can engage in unethical conduct, often without care or knowledge of the consequences. In the wrong hands, this technology becomes dangerous, and in Gabby's case, deadly.

Though we cannot blame Gabby's peers entirely for her passing, they did trigger her decision. As kids, we're taught the following phrase: "Sticks and stones may break my bones,  but words will never hurt me." But what if this isn't the case? Our words certainly have the ability to inflict greater pain than we intend.

In addition to cyberbullying, we must consider the state of Gabby's mental well-being. Kids and teens, like adults, may be living with a mental illness. Often overlooked or unidentified, these illnesses intensify, especially without attention or proper treatment.

As mental health becomes more visible in today's media, I'd like to send out a plea for help. Earlier this month, President Obama held the National Conference on Mental Health. The conference brought various mental health professionals and advocates together, in hopes of addressing the conversation at a national level. While there has been some criticism of the conference, I have faith that we're headed in the right direction. In addition to the conference, the Obama administration launched MentalHealth.gov, a comprehensive site for those seeking mental health services and resources. Furthermore, there are many other organizations out there that have been supporting and advocating for those living with a mental illness. My hope is that this conversation continues, and is not forgotten by the media. I believe it is up to us to equip ourselves with the right attitude and knowledge in order to truly change our culture's perception of mental health. We have to realize that anyone around us could be suffering in silence. By understanding the stereotypes and stigmas against mental health, we can help our friends, family, and even ourselves, during difficult times.

In the meantime, here's a letter I wrote to Gabby. It's signed "The World." I hope you will all join me in being part of that world.

Dear Gabby,

We’ll never know how much you suffered nor will we know the truth. We’ll never know just how hard you tried to live freely in your youth. We know it must have been hard to fight the demons deep within. We know you couldn’t take the pain, nor the hell you were living in. But there are some things that you should know, even if it may be too late. Please know that we are sorry that you endured such cruelty and hate.

We apologize that we did not filter the toxins from our freedom of speech. The jagged grains tossed from our own hands went beyond our reach. For the poisonous words and bullying crept right into your very heart; You were physically and mentally tortured, your peace was ripped apart. We apologize that we’ve progressed to this: crimes can reach us in our homes. Perhaps unwelcomed claims and criticisms are worse than sticks and stones.

We apologize that our society has taught us how to turn a blind eye, For media and pop culture tells us to keep quiet when all else goes awry. We know cultural expectations left you amongst many doubts and fears, And that you were afraid ask for our help, lest a soul witness your tears. We are aware that we did not help you, we may have ignored the signs. We are sorry we did not think to look beyond the curtains nor the blinds.

We hope one day you’ll forgive us, and that you do not blame yourself. Because we’re all responsible for each other’s happiness and health. For now is the time to be courageous for those who have only an ounce of hope. It is us who must speak out, and broaden our conversation and our scope. We should help others out of the darkness, the shadows and the grief. We will stand up for all, friend or foe, who cannot find their own relief.

For each of us have been touched by mental pain, illness, or misdirection. So we have the responsibility to elevate and change our perception. We must encourage those around us to find the solace that they seek. We must be a beacon for those who’ve fought until their body’s left them weak. It is our hearts you have touched, though it’s been a tearful goodbye. We know we might not erase the stigma, but hey, it’s worth a try.

With Love, The World

Photo credit: Classic Soul Radio

My Family's War-Time Story

Note from the editor: As we begin this week by reflecting on the sacrifices made by Americans during times of war, we wanted to share this personal story, shared with us by contributor, Jennifer Delos Santos. May we not forget the sacrifices made around the world during fearful times, and may we all work towards a more accepting and peaceful tomorrow. Passing down war-time stories across generations.

Each person has his or her own family history. Whether it includes a divorce, a milestone, or even death, each is unique, yet relatable to someone else’s. Part of my family history involves my grandparents during World War II. Honestly, if it were not for my eighth grade history project, I would have never known the details of what my grandparents encountered. While I was learning about WWII back in eighth grade, my social studies teacher enforced the memorization of the beginning of President Roosevelt’s speech. "Yesterday, December 7th, 1941, a date which will live in infamy. The United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the empire of Japan."My grandparents experienced more than one infamous day, especially my grandfather, or as my family call him, “Tata.” If he were still alive, I would have thanked him for what he did.  I can admit that he is a source of inspiration. I’m not sure if I can do what he did if faced with a similar situation. My grandmother, “Ima,” was there the whole time too and the war justifies how brave they both were. As I learned from my mother, the Japanese were killing all of the men, but not the women.  Why? I am not sure. On top of being poor, my grandparents had to confront the Japanese. But before they reached the nipa hut of my grandparents, Tata planned ahead. He dressed up as one of the women and wore a dress along with a bandana on his head while holding a baby in his arms. I am not sure if the baby was one of my older aunts or uncles or someone else’s baby, but what matters is that he was not killed. The disguise saved his life and the Japanese only pierced the ceiling of the nipa hut with bayonets to ensure that no one was hiding. This incident was long before my mother was born and I always think about how crucial this event was. Without their sacrifice, my mother wouldn’t be here nor would I. After the war subsided, one of my older aunts traveled to the U.S. and settled in New York. She then petitioned my grandparents and other members of my family, eventually leading to the petitioning of my mother as well. Therefore, more importantly, because my grandfather survived, he was able to live in the U.S. and become a U.S. citizen.Everyone has an interesting story to be told. This is one of mine. I’m sure that I will be passing this story down to my family and beyond. It is something that my family can be proud of and proves how an act of bravery can be significant. Tata made a difference in my family by surviving the Japanese. If he hadn’t survived, I wouldn’t be here writing about it.